A Dose of Introspection

Just some ramblings and thoughts on why I am the way I am.

I think I’m always afraid to ask for help, not because I fear being seen as weak, but more because I’m scared of being let down.

I’m afraid to open up to people because right now, opening up to anyone would involve more emotion and pessimism than anyone in their right mind would want to deal with.

I’m afraid to open up to anyone because I’m afraid that they won’t like what they see, or I’ll do something wrong and push them away.

I don’t trust people getting close to me because the ones who have mattered most are the ones who let me down the worst.

I don’t like myself because I can’t fit into society’s box of conformity and attractiveness, and while I value brains, talent and creativity over body, I can’t help feeling like there’s something wrong with me. I know full well it’s not my fault, but every time I try to shop for clothes and shoes, even hats, it becomes reinforced in my mind.

(Thank Earth for Torrid. My little piece of shopping heaven.)

Every failure I have sticks with me 10 times harder and 5 times longer than any success.

I still remember in 7th grade when everyone called me marshmallow.

Even though I know Gary is an asshole, it still hurt like hell that day on the bus when he told me I looked like a happy California cow. You know, the ones in the commercials. To this day I still wish I had “accidentally” spilled my lukewarm coffee all over his white shirt.

I can’t get out of bed in the morning, because I have no motivation to. I know I need to go to classes, but I can’t move. I sleep for days on end and I’m still tired.

More later, I guess.