I’m Done. The End. You Win?

I’ve decided that I’m done with people. Not in the sense that I’m going to become a hermit that lives in the middle of nowhere, but in the sense that I’m done having relationships with people.

Call me a cynic, call me a loser, it’s all true, at least in your eyes.

I’ve given up on trying to start new friendships. After everything that’s happened to me in the past year, it just doesn’t seem worth the effort anymore.

And since I’ve decided to, for once, avoid all ambiguity, let me explain further.
When I refer to the past year, there’s a lot of event that come to mind; the ones everyone knows about and the ones that no one knows about.

The blog thing this past spring was my fault. I got overly-confident that I had control of my corner of cyberspace. I don’t need to point out how big of an illusion that turned out to be.

But it wasn’t the blog itself, and the fact that everyone knew my innermost secrets and far more of my anatomy than I’d ever have divulged willingly; it was the reaction. The backlash of extremely immature people who had just arrived at open season on the hunting grounds, and I had a big red X on my back.

If working on the Obama campaign restored my faith in humanity, the aftermath of that blog killed it beyond repair. Oh, it wasn’t just students. TEACHERS were making rude comments to their classes. Yeah, you guys think I don’t find out about that stuff. Or at least, you don’t care.

But after being mercilessly teased and taunted to the brink of suicide, I have no desire to interact with people that immature.

So that’s part one. But parts two and three are by far more important.

Part two- Brandon. Enough said.

But seriously, this was again my fault. I kept putting my hand back in the fire, thinking that maybe it wouldn’t burn so bad this time. I’ve dealt with that and moved on. The part that’s important now, though, happened months ago.

Long story short, the boy I was practically in love with said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, told me how much he liked me, etc.

Two weeks later he was dating another girl and told me to never talk to him again.

Now, let’s all bear in mind that I have an incredibly low self-esteem.
I honestly didn’t think it could get any lower until this happened.

And now I quite honestly don’t trust anyone. Especially not with something as fragile as my heart. Chances are they’ll just break it anyway.

Which brings me to part 3:

Sam, Ana, Heather.

Yep, I called you out.

Ana- I don’t even want to get started. You have to be one of the biggest hypocrites I’ve ever met, and it’s sad that I found someone that can put my dad’s hypocrisy to shame. That’s all that needs to be said there. You weren’t around most of the time, so I guess I should be glad that you were just a minor pang.

Heather- In a parallel universe where Brandon didn’t exist, we’d be best friends. I probably seemed like a freak for the few days we actually did talk, but it had been so long since I had connected with anyone, and I was so desperate to feel it again that I let myself open up and connect with you. That was, again, my mistake. But it taught me one of the most important lessons I’ve learned- if you don’t open up, you’ll never be let down. So thanks for that. I’m sorry you didn’t believe me, and I’m even more sorry for what I did to you, but most of all I’m sorry that Brandon’s a total douche. Hides it pretty well, doesn’t he?

Last, but most certainly not least-

If I ever had a shot at having a real, life-long, one true best friend, you were it. You were my sister. You were my world for a year and a half. And you probably broke my heart more than Brandon ever did. I don’t know what I did now, though I have some guesses. But what’s important is, I trusted you. Over and over, I trusted you, because I kept waiting for sophomore year to repeat itself, for everything to be good again. And what’s sad is, we never got that chance, you and I. We could have it now, but I don’t know where you are, and at this point I’m not sure I care to know.

Because I’m done opening up to people just to be stabbed repeatedly in the chest. And quite frankly, I’ve been hard-pressed to find people that aren’t still caught up in the spirit of petty high school drama.

I just can’t express how tired I am. I’m tired of being let down, of being lied to and led on and back-stabbed and whatever else. It’s too much energy trying to keep up false pretenses, and I’m not ready to risk the heartbreak that will inevitably come with the real deal.

So I’m done.

For now, I guess I’ll stick to myself. I talk to myself so much anyway, it’s almost like there’s actually someone listening.

Yeah, I’m probably crazy. By societal definitions, talking to yourself and being a loner are sure signs of insanity.

Then again, societal norms always fuck me over.

Just like people.

Go figure.

No, despite the tone, this is not a pity party. This is me, saying that I’m done.

And to everyone who I was up against: Ana, Heather, and most especially Brandon and Sam, you win. Congratulations. I’m done, I’m gone. Not just with you, but with everyone. As much as I care for you all and want you all in my life, I’m done. It’s over. I know you don’t care, and you probably won’t read this, or respond to it if you do happen across it, so I’m saying this for me.

Whatever lesson you were trying to teach me, whatever punishment you were doling out, congrats, it worked well. You’ve pretty much worn me down.

And to the general public, please do not mistake my resignation for sadness. Am I sad things turned out the way they did? Yeah. Do I feel hurt and betrayed by the only people I ever cared about outside my family? Hell yeah.

But I’ve accepted it. And now, since they don’t seem to want anything to do with me ever again, I move on. I’ll always be sad, but I’m not gonna let it stop me from at least attempting to live my life well.

Because living well is the best revenge.

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